Ericksonian Relationship & Couple Counseling
( These pages reflect the views and practice of keith bibby
and are not intended to describe the work of other practitioners )
Introduction : -
Wonderful though it feels, falling in love is one of the more deeply disturbing experiences in our lives. Neuro-biologists have shown that it is characterised by hormonal patterns and psychological symptoms akin to madness. Our relationships are often imbued with an intensity of hope
and expectation that life will test quite severely. Difficulties are naturally to be expected as we learn to adjust and settle down together.
Unfortunately, when things begin to go wrong, people too often delay in addressing their difficulty. Even where they do, they go about things in
such a way that it gets too uncomfortable to continue, leaving matters unresolved. Not until a crisis develops do they come for help. By now the difficulties are deeply ingrained and they they wish they had come sooner.
Men in particular - willing to do anything to save my marriage - often phone on the brink of complete crisis. Finally admitting they have ignored the willingness of their partner to talk about things over a long period, they are devastated to discover the option closed because they have been supplanted by someone who listens to me.
Either partner may avoid or learn to ignore a host of seemingly insignificant annoyances, expecting them to magically change or go away. Their cumulative effect can seriously erode the quality of the relationship. Often both partners, puzzled as to how things have got so bad, are at a loss for means of putting things right.
In general, people could save much pain in their lives by learning about themselves and their patterns of relating before making ( or breaking ) commitments - serious or otherwise. Some people wisely learn to use therapy for this purpose early in the game.
It is a rare person who does not sustain psychological damage of some sort in the process of growing up. In a relationship there are ( at least ) two us, each with a legacy which restricts our capacity to adapt beneficially to some persons, situations and events.
Different stages in life bring in their own pressures which vary in severity. Many are inescapable. ( In a classic piece of research, Holmes & Rahe
have demonstrated that all changes, whether bad or good, stress us - some to quite a surprising extent. )
When stresses peak, old irrational patterns - overlaid with a veneer of
adult adjustment - can suddenly break out and dominate our behaviour in ways we would not wish. These distort our perceptions and thought patterns. They make us susceptible to ill-founded interpretations and imaginings.
These reactions can blind us to significant needs, feelings and intuitions
and otherwise badly affect our judgments. This makes it very hard to
recognise or pursue our own interests or accord due respect to others.
Sometimes we can be perfectly well aware that we are doing something wrong or not-at-all clever, but either we cannot stop or are only able to do so with difficulty. At other times we just do not realise.
Such conflicts are generally most easily provoked and most intense within the highly charged context of our relationships. The resulting behaviours and experience may be very upsetting and confusing - sometimes seeming beyond our control.
But even the most complex and apparently hopeless situations usually have their own patterns which, though subtle, you can be helped to recognise
and understand - enabling you to CHANGE WHAT HAPPENS between you.
Ericksonian work is extremely effective in connecting with these unconscious patterns and liberating us from them. Through learning to recognise and interrupt our own runaway tendencies, we can also become more appreciative of and helpful toward our partner and their own handicaps. Thus, paradoxically, intense difficulty can become the gateway to deeper understanding and more profound connection.
Good psychological adjustment comes with the acceptance of our own and others qualities and weaknesses. We then are able to affirm our strengths and needs and those of others; furthermore, we can give assistance and solicit the help of others in the pursuit of personal well-being and mutual benefit. Learning how to do this is at the core of a rewarding relationship.
I hope that these pages may encourage you and offer useful ways to achieve what you want in your relationship.
Copyright Keith Bibby August 2007 >> Return
